I will give you the rundown on this over-muscley workaholic (I have no sympathy or reason to be nice to him now) later, when I have a bit more time. But the following should give you an idea of why all of you will not be invited to the wedding that, thank God, will NEVER take place.
At one time or another during any relationship with a man, a moment comes when you have pee at his apartment. I know all girls like to pretend we only go in the bathroom to apply mascara, but it simply isn’t true. The worst bathroom experience of my dating career took place about three times into hanging out with who I now consider the most self-absorbed Lord of the Douchebags I’ve ever had the unpleasant experience of meeting.
I walked into his bathroom, and the first thing I noticed: it was filthy. I let the white toothpaste residue slide—that’s a normal guy thing, right? Guys are terrible at cleaning. So, no judgements there. That’s fine; it happens.
As I pondered the last time LOTD cleaned his bathroom, I sat down on the toilet to pee…just a normal peeing experience, right? Wrong.
Staring at me from across the toilet, right at eye level, was a way-too-big three-picture photo frame with a veritable montage of his family. LOTD and his family on vacation standing as a group. LOTD and his brothers in a pool, smiling happily at me. And the third picture I can’t even remember—I was so disturbed by that point, I was trying to block out the entire occurrence. I think it was him holding his nephew. Who, when choosing where to place family photos, picks the wall right across from the toilet?
The worst part was, instead of hurrying up and getting the hell out of there, I STAYED AT EXAMINED THE PICTURES.
“Oh look, he wore that polo on our date two weeks ago!”
“Hmm…can already tell based on sweater set and Lily Pulitzer skirt that his mom and my mom would not get along.”
“God, his little brother is hot. Ugh, Molly, stop thinking like that, that’s disgusting!”
Right after that thought, I realized LOTD was probably wondering what was taking so long and I got out of there. But I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this picture placement across from the toilet meant our relationship could simply never work. Because honestly, who is so obsessed with their own family that they feel compelled to place pictures of their mom and grandma across from the freaking toilet???