Seven Things I Hide When Boys Come Over

I once read somewhere that “a woman’s apartment is much more special than a man’s” and therefore, in any relationship, you should retreat to his boudoir before you invite him to yours. A woman’s “space” is apparently superior in every way. Aside from having better beds with cleaner sheets and more pillows, girls have the fancy soap, the pantries stocked with fun candies and snacks, decorative candles, lalala etc., etc., etc.

This is all true, but I have a different theory about why it’s important to wait to let a man into your house.

Does anyone else have certain things they hide when guys come over? Is that just me? Am I the only weirdo/sicko/paranoid lunatic whose drawers are overflowing with embarrassing items?

In no particular order, here are some things I hide from the opposite sex:

1. Relationship books. It is NOT attractive for a guy you’re trying to seduce into your web of love to see you’re switching between “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you think a guy will think you’re cute and charming for counting such titles amongst your bedside table reading, you are VERY VERY VERY wrong. Guys will think you are freaking CUCKOO!!!

2. Deodorant. Because I don’t sweat and neither should you if you want a boyfriend.

3. Period underwear. Come on. We ALL have them. I am going to make a bold statement and suggest that if you leave any underwear around, it should be either extremely sexy or…wait, that’s it. That is the ONLY type of undergarment you should ever let a man see.

4. Tanning lotions. For some reason I like to make all men think I actually am some sort of Middle Eastern ethnicity. With a name like Molly.

5. Prescription medicines. OMFG–why don’t guys know they should hide THEIRS when I am at their place?! I remember once seeing my ex boyfriend’s tremor medicine when we first were getting to know each other and freaking the eff out. Like, COME ON!!! Honestly, there is nothing WRONG with tremors…I just don’t want to know about them. Yet.

6. Actually, ALL medicine. If you asked any guy who has been to my house, the only things in my bathroom are an extensive bath bomb collection and toothpaste. No, I DO NOT own Pepto Bismol. Or even Advil. I’m way too perfect for such things.

7. Ugly pajamas and ratty t-shirts. My favorite thing to sleep in is a shirt my grandma once left at my house. It’s humongous and has four cartoon sheep on the front. I would not recommend anyone wear this type of garment in any seduction situation.

I’m sure there’s more, but these are the kind of things I don’t realize I’m horrified by until someone is ACTUALLY coming over…at which point I shove 95% of my belongings in a closet and pray I still seem normal at the end of the night.

 

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