Things I Leave Around My Apartment to Impress Guys

The other night I was walking home from work when I spotted a garbagefull of treasures: literally, right in the middle of Lincoln Park, was a garbage can brimming with items I can only describe as every Pinterest-er’s dream: decorative wicker baskets (those things are expensive), home décor books, adorable Anthropologie-esque glasses…and a tennis racquet. My heart started racing: with such valuables at my disposal, how would I make a quick and thorough selection?

Really, I was worried about two things: how much I could carry, and the likelihood of someone I knew seeing me dumpster diving.

Germs did not enter into the equation.

I’m embarrassed to admit fear of someone I knew seeing me trumped all and I grabbed the top item only: the tennis racquet, which, amazingly, was still in its case.

What kind of lucky streak was I on, I wondered? How awesome of an item was this to have at my disposal? The answer? Too awesome. It would so seriously compliment all the other things in my apartment I use as tools to lure in the opposite sex.

So, without further ado, here are five things I leave around to make men fall in love with me:

Bookmarked books I may or may not be reading – The truth is, I actually do read a lot, so it’s not like I’m entirely misrepresenting myself by leaving open James Joyce novels around my apartment. The problem though, is that I now read 90% of my books on my iPad…and how am I supposed to impress anyone with my brainz if I don’t have physical evidence lying around? If I know a guy will be coming over, I always rush over to my bookcase and select a few of the classics I either read in high school (or read the SparkNotes for…), open them to a random page, and place them in some believable spot. It’s not exactly lying because I did read them at one time.

Cupcakes – On more than one occasion, I have gone to my local gourmet bakery and purchased nine or so absolutely beautiful cupcakes for display purposes only. I then place them on a regular kitchen plate on my counter next to an open copy of my cupcake cookbook…the one I have used exactly three times. Who has time to sit around baking and adhering Goldfish crackers to your fishing-themed desserts, anyway? I warn any friends who may come over NOT to touch these cupcakes. These are to DISPLAY. Before any guy comes over, I mess up the icing a bit on one or two of the cupcakes…you know, so they are believably homemade.

When the guy is halfway in love with me and stuffing his third cupcake into his mouth, that’s when I tell him how easy it is to “whip up” a batch when you have all the necessary tools…you know, like the Wilton Cake Decorating tip set. (I don’t have that.)

Note: if you do this, make sure to bury the bakery box and receipt in the trash, or even better, set them on fire somewhere.

#marthastewart

Vogue, Vanity Fair and People — These magazines each serve different purposes. Vogue, because what man doesn’t want a stylish woman? I imagine this magazine will establish me as a Jackie O-esque character in his life who would never dare show up inappropriately dressed to any function he may bring me to.

Vanity Fair—well, if you’re going to be attending functions of any kind (you know…charity…err…you know, save the whales with heart defects? I don’t know. That’s not important.) you’re going to need to appear informed and culturally enlightened. I realized the value of Vanity Fair when I was meeting an ex-something’s friends and they were involved in an uplifting discussion about waterboarding. It was at that time I was able to join in and cite the feature I’d just read in Vanity Fair on waterboarding, in which the author subjects himself to torture for the sole purpose of reporting what it’s like. WOW, were those boys impressed. I felt like Hillary Clinton minus the ugliness and really horrible pants suits.

People…well, you don’t want to look pretentious, so you have to leave out the magazine of the Common Man. Or woman. Whatever. This ensures him that you’re a normal girl who cares about celebrities and stories about dogs saving people from burning buildings. It is not important to mention that this is my favorite magazine of the three, or that I live for the People crossword because every answer is either “B-E-Y-O-N-C-E” or “K-E-A-N-U-R-E-E-V-E-S”.

Side note…I always hide my InTouch Weekly “Teen Mom” special edition issue.

Pictures of me being awesome, located in places that he will not feel like a creep sifting through them – I suggest every girl print out a selection of photos that make it appear as if you have an exciting life and strategically place them on your coffee table, desk, etc. Some events I like to showcase in the mix include: any time I looked exceptionally hot (occasion…not important), any photo of you doing an athletic activity (doesn’t matter if it was staged), any photo of you being nature-y (some people like to hike for fun; I like to drive to a scenic overlook and snap a photo in Patagonia clothes) or a photo of you baking something. For every five of these pictures, include some pics of you and your girlfriends at a bar so it appears that while you are athletic and cultured, you are also laid back and fun. And for every ten of those photos, include a shot of you and a really, really attractive guy.

Gotta keep him on his toes.

Example photo:

In this photo, it appears I enjoy nature. In reality, I drove to this location with my family. The boots are for aesthetic purposes only, purchased on Newbury St. in Boston. The pants at AG Jeans…I don’t know very many cowgirls who prefer those over Levi’s. And the shirt is from H&M, not the county general store.

Notes for a writing project I may or may not actually be working on – Whenever a guy finds out I like to write, he becomes, for some reason, intrigued. What is going on in my head that I choose to spend my free time thinking about peoples’ quirks…and then actually writing them down???

I don’t like to disappoint the crowd, so I like to leave a select few scribbled-on notebooks around, along with several pens and marked-up drafts. If anyone questions (and they almost always do) I say I’m “working on a project”…the mysterious nature of this “project” almost always leads to the guy thinking I am of superior intelligence and complexity, both of which are not true. But here’s a philosophical question…if a hot guy thinks you are smarter and deeper than most people, is it possible that maybe you really are?!?!?!? Is there a difference?!

And even if there is a difference, you are dumb person for correcting him. Just don’t ever let him use the pens lying around on your desk, because if you’re like me, you’ve probably had them since 10th grade and they are most likely so dried up they will rip a hole in any paper.

The End.

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