Yoga is supposed to be a calming and zen-like experience in which the yogi becomes more aware of herself while breathing and pushing her body to the limits of flexibility.
But let me be honest. Most of the time yoga is not like that for me. Here are some thoughts I have on my yoga experiences. And by the way, I keep going back, mainly because I keep thinking one of these days I am going to get into down dog, look at myself in the mirror and think “Woah! Jennifer Aniston, is that you?” instead of “At what point did it become physically painful to bend over? What is wrong with me? How old was I when this horrible transformation took place? And UH OH, better adjust that shirt, you’re about to flash the entire class, Molly.”
1. Is it just me or is yoga really a chance for every upper-middle class twenty-something to wear their LuluLemon clothing for it’s intended purpose? I am going to come clean and admit that my yoga pants have seen more seats at brunch restaurants on Sunday afternoons than yoga mats.
2. Does anyone else get really competitive in yoga? I’m not that competitive a person, but for some reason I can’t help but crane my neck around and see if the girl next to me is better at squatting rooster, or whatever it’s called. Ironically, I usually check out my competition immediately after the instructor tells everyone that we are “in a safe space” that is “not competitive.” All she does when she says that is remind me that even if it causes a torn hamstring, I must put my hands on the ground if the person next to me can do it.
3. Sometimes if a pose isn’t that hard I will start thinking of what I want to make for dinner. “Hmmm, okay, I know I have Triscuits and Ben&Jerry’s at home. And ketchup. What can I make with that?” or “I wonder how many calories are in a typical roll of sushi. Even though it’s covered in mayonnaise the fish probably cancels that out.”
4. During that part where you’re supposed to hop from down dog to the front of your mat, I would like to know: how do people do that? Seriously, I feel like my legs grow teen feet and my arms shrink to nubs when I try to hop to the front of the mat; this is literally an impossible movement. Every time I try it out I end up almost breaking my nose with my knees. This is about when I go into
5. Do you ever have those moments when you start taking yourself really seriously? What is that? Sometimes I’ll be sitting there with my legs crossed like a Buddha and I’ll think to myself, “Ohmmmm…yeah, OHM. I’ve achieved ultimate bliss. No one can touch me.” And then all of a sudden I’ll start thinking about adding the yoga song to my Spotify playlist and I get mad at myself for exiting my zen mode and cooperating with the material world.
6. After yoga class do you ever pass by a frozen yogurt place and think, “I’m so good, I just went to yoga, and now I’m going to treat myself to this 80-calorie frozen treat,” as if frozen yogurt is better than real ice cream. But somehow you and your friends have convinced yourself that it is…until your roommate or someone at work produces a grocery store birthday cake, or you pass by a hot dog place at 3 am on a Saturday, and all of a sudden your body isn’t such a precious temple that needs to be respected.
These are just a few of my thoughts. Tell me if you agree or disagree.