The Most Pointless E-mail EVER: Men, WHY?

Remember the guy who worked out a ton and even owned those special biker pants with pads in them? The one who kept pics of his family vacations framed in his bathroom, across from the toilet? Here’s an update on him:

A few weeks ago I decided it was time to expand my LinkedIn presence. There’s an option on LinkedIn where you can add everyone in your email contacts. I thought, “Eh, why not?”, threw caution to the wind, and added everyone in my Gmail address book.

BIG MISTAKE!!! Caution!!! Sirens! Do not EVER, EVER do this!

I forgot about all the people I’ve emailed over the years who I would rather NOT connect with on LinkedIn–my gynecologist’s primary nurse, for example. No, I do not think we need to know each other in a professional capacity. Your work can stay where in belongs…down…there.

In addition to people like that, I forgot about all the dumb guys I’ve emailed…in particular, the workaholic with the pics across from his toilet. First of all, a note on why we emailed AT ALL in the first place–

This guy was such a workaholic that he couldn’t even be bothered with phone calls or text messages. We communicated almost exclusively via email. Every message, even to discuss dinner plans or an inside joke, was followed by his company’s lengthy privacy policy. Kinda kills the inside joke, doesn’t it?? To get notified that if you spread the email around you might get sued.

I haven’t talked to this guy in MONTHS. Last time we talked was on Facebook chat, after we had been living in different cities for a longggg time. I commented on something he posted on his newsfeed and his response, in a message, was “I have a serious girlfriend now. I hope you are doing well.”

???

YIKES. I backed the hell away from that like a cat away from a swimming pool.

So imagine my surprise when, after accidentally connecting with him on LinkedIn, I get this email in my inbox:

Okay, wow, a really nice email. Clearly warranting a nice response…right? RIGHT? Oh, by the way, I didn’t even include the LONGGGGG confidentiality disclaimer at the bottom of that email. By the time you get through reading it, it might be tomorrow.

So, naturally I write back a nice, lengthy email. Because even though I make fun of him for emailing, this is clearly my chance to show off my superior wit and maturity. This is my response:

A day later, I get an email back.

Oh, wait. NO. That’s what would have happened in Normalville, where, when a person writes an email asking a million questions and gets a response with questions in return, they respond.

But no. It’s been almost a month. And NO EMAIL!!!

I have done enough research (read: studied every relationship book and watched every episode of “The Millionaire Matchmaker”) to know that this is NOT normal for a typical guy. But for him, it is.

I’m going assume that he read my email on his Blackberry while washing his padded bike shorts and Crossfit gloves and then forgot to respond. Ew! What a waste of finger energy expended on my part!

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