1. If he’s MIA it’s because he doesn’t like you 2. Why he doesn’t like you

hes-just-not-that-into-you-

It’s time to address a topic that comes up in 90% of my Gchat conversations: coming to terms with the fact that a guy is not into you, and more importantly…WTF? WHY? Because obviously as girls, a simple, straightforward answer is not enough. We need to know why. Every relationship book I’ve ever read (and trust me, my personal library is more “He’s Just Not That Into You” than “Ulysses”) addresses part one and not part two, which is infuriating because after we’ve established that a guy has become harder to get ahold of than Edward Snowden, the rest of the conversation (so, the next eight hours) is about why this happened.

First, all women need to get this through their foundation-ed faces: when a guy is not contacting you it’s because he has decided he does not want to see you again. End of story. The following excuses are real-life examples I’ve heard to argue otherwise, and none of them ended up working:

  • He’s so busy at work creating a solid financial foundation for your future, non-existent family that he can’t possibly rip himself away from his spreadsheet for one second to text or call
  • He’s on an African safari and has no service or internet access in his hut
  • His father’s new wife who is twenty years younger is creating family strife and he has to give emotional support to his grown siblings
  • His dog was bitten by a mysterious bug on a nature hike and he’s stressed out trying to make sure he doesn’t die
  • His ex-girlfriend is creating so much drama in his life that he really needs to “close that chapter” before starting things up with you
  • He forgot his charger at the airport and they don’t sell Apple 4s chargers in London (???)/the plugs are different in Europe
  • It’s the playoffs and he’s superstitious that if he changes anything (ie, texts or calls you) his team will lose
  • My phone must be broken because he never responded. It must be. I know–oh, GOD!! MOM, STOP TEXTING ME!!!
  • And my personal fave…he likes me SO MUCH he is trying to play it really cool and not look like an eager beaver

This isn’t to say the guy isn’t just a jerk. Actually, he probably is, because we all know major d-bags are ten times more attractive than nice men who actually treat us like human beings. I mean, duh. There is nothing more fun than maniacally checking your cell phone to the point of appearing to have a tic when you’re out with your friends, praying to the Gods of Millennial Love that HE WILL EFFING TEXT.

Anyway, time to move onto the WHY. I know that’s why you’re all reading.

One of my favorite dating blogs is A New Mode — the guy and girl who write this are SOOO spot-on with their dating advice. Eric Charles, the male dating expert, is a big fan of what I’ve come to think of as the “he can sense your neediness” theory. It is soooooo annoyingly accurate because the only solution is literally to stop being needy. You can’t just wait twenty minutes to text back. It doesn’t matter. You literally have to figure out a way to stop caring. AKA, you need to get a life. God, that is SOOO annoying.

In terms of concrete reasons he is no longer interested they are usually some variation on “you were absolutely no challenge at all.” Some real-life examples of how this might play out:

  • You “happen” to show up where he and his friends will be out. WTF? If he wants to see spur-of-the-moment (as in, it’s 11:13pm on a Friday night and you’re out) he can get in a cab and go to where YOU are. I don’t know what it is about girls but they seem to think all guys miraculously become poor and paralyzed on the weekends, therefore forcing the girl to drag all her girlfriends across the city to meet Mr. Wonderful.  News flash, upon reflection, the guy you are going to see probably has a bathroom covered in toothpaste residue and has worn dirty socks in the past month. He isn’t that fantastic. Get a grip.
  • Once you get to the bar, you pay for  your drinks, his drinks and his friends drinks. You make sure to purchase lots of shots so your crush will get inebriated enough to fall for a trick–the trick being, he’s in love with you! Side note–any guy who is trying to get you to like him will NEVER let you pay for a drink. Period.
  • You “accidentally” text him something like “OMG, sounds like a blast, can’t wait! ;)” You think you’re being mysterious (now he’s going to think I have like, ten boyfriends!) but you’re forgetting the obvious about men–they’re visual, and if you want to make them jealous, you have to do it in person. This means shameless flirting with someone else right in front of him. Sorry to advocate game-playing but if you’re going to go this route, that’s the only way it will work. And he has to find you attractive.
  • Booty texting. Duh. If you’re prone to this embarrassing behavior I suggest downloading “Drunk Dial NO!” Self-explanatory, life-saving app. Because here’s the thing about a booty text–you may get immediate results, but in the long-run, the most effective tool is making him wonder why you’re not texting him. If you make him wait long enough and he’s even a smidge interested, he will throw out feelers eventually.
  • Responding to his booty texts. Receiving a text at 2:14am that says “Hey u what r u to?” is not his way of saying he wants to eat froyo with you and discuss where you two would like to purchase a summer home someday. They’ll get crafty too–if you initially deny, he will try plying you with emojis and tell you how he “doesn’t think of you as a booty call.” GAWD.

If you have done any of the above consider your relationship O-V-E-R. Sorry to be harsh 🙂

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