Sometimes my friends come to me genuinely panicked. “Molly,” they’ll type via Gchat (if you haven’t noticed, I do 99% of my communicating online), “I have this thing tonight and that guy is going to be there! So I’m thinking of wearing XYZ…” at which point they’ll describe an outfit that sounds like something the head window dresser of Anthropologie would wear to a symposium on artistic mason jar usage.
Cute? Yes. Stylish? Yes. Guy-friendly? Um…no.
This post is probably going to sound very anti-feminist, but guess what, I don’t care. I feel I’m doing a service here–not everyone has the time to sit in Barnes and Noble for ten hours tearing through the Relationships section. Allow me to impart my knowledge. Today’s topic–how to dress so a guy will take notice and think you are sexy. I got the idea for this post after suggesting first-date and going out outfits to at least 60 friends. This should serve as a future reference guide.
I admit, I used to be someone who “dressed for girls.” In other words, my favorite silhouette was the baby doll dress and I had an epic collection of printed flats and flowy shirts. Now, there is nothing wrong with liking things baggier than Jared’s pants after the Subway diet, but girls, there is a time and place for everything. The bar is not one of them and a first date is certainly not one of them.
First I want you to understand something–there are just some things guys do not understand when it comes to fashion. If you’re trying to attract a mate certain items should be avoided at all costs. Included in this category:
- Any dress or shirt that could be confused for a Ringling Bros. circus tent. Mystery is good, but if you’re making him wonder what’s under there…a Victoria’s Secret model-level bod or a Venezuelan family of trapeze artists, that’s taking it too far.
- High-waisted jorts that make it look like you’re wearing a diaper and your butt is approaching the length of a football field. Who knew it was possible to have a camel toe while wearing Depends? Seriously, this trend needs to be over–it doesn’t look good on anyone.
- Any shirt or dress or pair of pants that look like a costume from “Hansel and Gretl.” I know I already mentioned Anthropologie but this store is a master offender in this category. Gigantic artistic buttons, unnecessary ruffles, weird pleats and terrible hemlines (seriously, right below the knee? You might as well go ask Kody if you can be his fifth sister wife)…they’re all conspiring to make sure your name and “sex appeal” never appear in the same sentence.
- Flats at bars/on nighttime dates. This isn’t really so much a “hated thing” as it is you doing yourself a disservice. I’ve become so accustomed to only wearing heels in these situations that I feel absolutely invisible when I’m not.
- On the other end of that spectrum…extremely bizarre heels that make you look like you have hooves/alien feet/a terrible Jeffrey Campbell obsession. Any of those weird inverted heels, Lady Gaga shoes, whatever…get rid of them.
- Cardigans/sweater sets/your mom’s outfit (unless your mom is Victoria Beckham) at a bar. WHY? WHY WHY WHY. I see this constantly…clusters of twenty-something girls standing around, drinking their chardonnay (ZZzzzzzZZzz…), whispering about why no guys are talking to them. Well girls, here’s a hint–you wore a church-appropriate J. Crew shift dress and cardigan out on a Friday night. And you paired it with some Tory Burch flats. Nothing says “hot damn” like this sizzling combo of sensible flats and grandmother-approved apparel.
- GIGANTIC sunglasses. Again, there’s a time and place for these. The time and place happens to be as a performer in “A Bugs Life: The Musical.” Men don’t get them. They think they look stupid. They don’t know or care if they are Tom Ford.
- HUGE purses. I admit I’m an offender here and it’s not going to change. Currently in my purse I’ve got my computer, about ten pairs of earrings, a belt, wallet, 50 lip glosses, two pairs of sunglasses, two magazines, three notebooks, infinity pens, gum, a book, a hairbrush, keys and enough gum wrappers/business cards/scribbled-on napkins to start my own paper recycling plant. Someday I aspire to be one of those women who can make it out of house with a tiny clutch. I have a feeling that will be the same day I hire someone to carry all my stuff for me and follow me around.
- Out-of-control statement makeup. If your face looks like Sephora exploded on it I suggest you remove some of the Medusa-esque eyeliner.
- Miley Cyrus’ haircut.
Now, onto the things guys love and understand…
- White jeans. I don’t really know why guys like them but they do. I think it may be the same reason they like long hair…because they can’t participate in the trend. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you saw a straight man in white jeans?
- Any pair of pants that make you butt look good. Yoga pants–in the words of an Ebay review, A++++++++++++++++
- Bandage dresses. Men like seeing you body! Just make sure you follow what my sorority called the “two-thirds” rule–only show two of the three sexy body parts. So, if you’re going to show your legs and the dress has cutouts, don’t show off your boobs. Thankfully my boobs decided to stop growing around my eighth grade graduation so I don’t have this problem.
- Heels. I touched on it above, but heels make all legs look better. I don’t care if you think they “hurt.” What hurts more, high heels or being alone forever? JKKKKKKKK…but seriously. WEAR THEM. Take note of Posh Spice.
- Shirts that show off you back. If you’re like me and have no boobs, you have to make do with what you do have. And I have a back! So I like to show it off in shirts with low backs, cut-outs, etc.
- Jeans, a white tshirt and a ponytail. Classic all-American look! Just make sure the jeans aren’t high-waisted and your shirt isn’t billowy.
- Painted toes and nails. They may not notice the color or even that you got a new mani/pedi, but they WILL notice if your hands and feet look like theirs. And we all know what guy toes look like…yup, like T-Rex’s foot has spent all day inside a dress shoe and then gone for a boys fly fishing trip. NOT. GOOD.
That’s about all the judgmental commentary I can think of for now–stay tuned for more!