I’ve got a serious problem and it’s time I get it off my non-existent chest. 99% of the time I am a happy person. Not many things anger me. Like, the last time I was actually mad was when my flip-flop broke in the middle of Michigan Ave. But the following makes me steaming mad and I need to vent.
It’s girls who do nothing. Literally, nothing. I’m sick of these entitled, classless losers getting away with their lives of nothingness.
Oh, sorry. They do do something. They are really good at getting highlights. And going to yoga. And sleeping. And drinking vodka sodas (that someone else bought). And they are fantastic at wearing bandage dresses and shopping and Instagramming and Twittering. And going on some guy’s power boat and taking pictures of themselves in their giant sunglasses and size-XS (not the top though!) bikinis. They are really good at taking Adderall and snorting lines and tanning. They have an extensive knowledge of which DJs are playing when. They are in their twenties and have way too many male friends over the age of 40. I am really sick of schlepping to work, practically sweating from running from the bus, and passing these anorexic coke whores as they pull their Range Rovers up to Tavern on Rush valet for a leisurely Wednesday lunch at 2:30. WTF?
If I came across one who just admitted to the fact that their entire existence is funded by their father and a never-ending stream of idiotic men who think they are “super hot” (my other pet peeve…men who fall in love with these useless, lazy retards) I might like her. I would appreciate her upfront-ness.
“Yes, my dad bought me this Audi, I use his credit card for everything and I spend all day sleeping, juicing and getting pedicures, except for when I have errands to run like shopping for a new going-out dress or an oversized, off-the-shoulder fringy top to pair with my hippie-esque suede booties. I honestly believe I am entitled to live off other people for the rest of my life, I have no actual skills and no interest in school or having a career. Ever. I love bottle service and I want to marry a rich guy!! Skrillex is my fave artist and I know all the words to his songs. Aeg eh euf, gyaaaa uh ah uh, gye gye gye gyeeeeuw. Errrr????”
I would really appreciate that honestly. She would be my blunt, gold-digging friend. She could probably get a book deal or something.
What I hate is when girls who wear $2,500 dresses, drive $100,000 cars and spend all day tanning tell me they make a living as a “photographer,” “artist,” “model” or “singer.” Well, my gosh. Where on earth did I go wrong? Where can I sign up for art lessons???? I didn’t realize amateur painters who work once a month in their “home studio” to create paintings of Kelly Clarkson song lyrics were raking in $500,000 a year.
Also, news flash, getting in your underwear and letting some heavily-bearded dirtbag off CraigsList take pictures of you does not make you a model. It makes you an idiot.
If this lifestyle were a religion their Pope would be Paulina Gretzky. If you’re not familiar, it’s Wayne’s daughter and she is the epitome of a “do nothing” girl. I am so fascinated by her. Did you know if you look type “Paulina Gretzky job” (yes, I did this…I’m not proud) it says “model,” singer,” and “actor”? What is this about? I’m no member of the Academy but I’m pretty sure she isn’t up there with Meryl Streep. Or even Kate Upton.
What exactly does she do all day? Seriously?
Based on her EPIC Instagram, it looks like she’s got a pretty full schedule, 90% of which appears to be taken up by Instagramming whatever she is doing.
Some of her favorite activities appear to be:
- Going on vacation to tropical locations where she can wear bikinis that show off her extremely natural breasts (I’m not hating but I wish she would give us all a detailed account of what it’s like to have fake boobs. If I had them I would be SO proud…and I’d tell everyone about them. I’d do a Q&A on Reddit.)
- Posting selfies
- Posting deep and meaningful quotes about love and ignoring the haters (it’s 50/50)
- Working out in full make-up and hair
- Being a boat enthusiast (omg, Do Nothings LOOOOOOVE boats. There should be tables at boat shows where you can rent girls who want to do nothing but hang out on boats in bikinis, drinking someone else’s Grey Goose)
- Golfing (how much do you want a bet she gets someone to take her picture swinging the club then drives the cart straight to the 19th hole?? I know I would–at least I admit it.)
- Being on the cover of Canada’s premier fashion mag, “Flare.” God, I can’t wait for next month’s “Flare” to come out!! Literally on the edge of my seat.
- Dressing up in very realistic costumes. I love it when girls dress up like policewomen. They are always so scary I almost feel like I’ve been pulled over.
- Posing pics emerging from the PJ . (Duh, the private jet.) Because seriously, who flies commercial? #embarrassing
- Wearing “nerdy” glasses. I’m so over this trend. Why can’t someone start a new nerdy trend? Nerds also have acne. How about that get cool? I’d love to see Paulina Gretzky put fake sticker acne all over her face and Instagram it.
Okay, I’m done with this rant and I feel much better.